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The *OFFICIAL* Rated PG Joke Thread

Mr.LaBella Oct 3, 2011

  1. Komitadjie

    Komitadjie Jay to the Dee, Y'All!

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    Welcome to the law offices of Dewey, Screwem and Howe!
     
  2. littlejoey

    littlejoey High on a Mountain Top Brigade Member

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    A penguin was driving through the desert when her car broke down. She waddled to the nearest phone to call AAA. Her car was quickly towed to the nearest garage where the mechanic told her he would need a couple of hours to check things out.

    The penguin, being a good natured bird, didn't complain, and then wandered off to find the closest supermarket. She proceeded to the frozen foods section and hung out near the fish sticks. After a while she got into the freezer, next to the vanilla ice cream, and ate several gallons. Then she noticed the time and headed back to the garage, covered with ice cream.

    The mechanic walked over to her, wiping his hands and shaking his head, and said, "It looks like you blew a seal." Blushing, the penguin replied, "Oh no! It's just ice cream."
     
    stdlrf11 likes this.
  3. OnceBitten

    OnceBitten Momma said I'd go blind Brigade Member

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    A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table. As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon, and set it on the table. The diner was impressed. "Do all the waiters here carry spoons in their pockets?"

    The waiter replied, "Yes..ever since an Efficiency Expert visited our restaurant. He determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen."

    The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented, "Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?"

    The waiter replied, "Yes, we all do. It Seems that the same Efficiency Expert determined that we spend too much time washing our hands after using the men's room. So, the other end of that string is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string, do my thing, and then return to work. Having never touched myself, there really is no need to wash my hands. It saves a lot of time."

    "Wait a minute," said the diner, "how do you get your penis back in your pants?"

    "Well, I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon."


    .............................


    A man is telling a story... "I was playing golf, and even though I am usually a pretty good player, I was playing horribly that day.

    As I was about to tee off at the fourth hole I heard a voice say, "three wood." I looked around and no one was behind me so I took my stance.

    Then once again I heard "three wood." I looked down and there was a frog at the corner of the tee box, and he was telling me to use my three wood.

    I thought it was stupid but I was playing so badly that I thought nothing could hurt me so I took out my three wood. It was a long par four, and I hit the ball straight 250 yards with that three wood. Since the frog seemed to be lucky I picked him up and took him along with me.

    At the next whole he told me to use my five iron. It was a par three and I got my first hole in one ever. I made a least a birdie on all the rest of the holes, and all I had to do was listen to that frog.

    That night I took the frog to the casino in my hotel. We played Roulette.

    I put my money where the frog said and won on every spin of the wheel. After that I was tired so I went up to bed.

    I took the frog out of my pocket and put it on the dresser. Suddenly it looked at me and said, "kiss me." Now I wasn't about to kiss a frog, but he said it again.

    So I kissed the frog and he turned into the most beautiful fourteen year old girl you have ever seen in your entire life.

    And that your honor is how that fourteen year old girl ended up in my hotel room.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 23, 2011
    droid likes this.
  4. Komitadjie

    Komitadjie Jay to the Dee, Y'All!

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    Now that's funny right there. :manganr:

    So these three little kids are in class, and their teacher asks them what their fathers do for a living.
    The first little girl stands up and says "My dad is a firefighter!"
    The second, a little guy, stands up and says "My dad is a salesman!"
    The third stands and says "My dad's a lawyer!"
    There is a moment of silence, and the second kid turns to the third and says, "Woah... honest?"
    To which the third replies, "No, the normal kind."
     
  5. Komitadjie

    Komitadjie Jay to the Dee, Y'All!

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    Aaaaand another one looted from Knifeforums, Mike Grasso, specifically.

    The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

    The CIA places several animal informants in the woods and after eighteen weeks of deep cover questioning of all the animal, plant and mineral witnesses, they conclude that the rabbit has fled to a foreign country and that they need arms to trade with Columbia in order to get cooperation with extradition efforts, after being turned down by Congress, they leave telling the President they have no idea of a Rabbit Investigation.


    The FBI surrounds the woods with its own agents and those of the ATF after reports that the rabbit has armed himself and is operating a militia using the woods as a hub of operation. After four weeks of frustation and standoff they rush the woods without warrants and accidentally burn down the whole damned woods with a malfunctioning tear gas canister, killing 112 rabbits, several hundred animal hostages and innocent onlookers. The FBI holds a press conference where they report Rabbits don't exist.


    The LAPD looks at the other two agencies and sends in two old time Detectives (Imagine Mike and Ray in Fedora's).
    They come out two hours later with a badly beaten badger.
    The badger is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

    The president gives the award to the detectives.
     
  6. Mr.LaBella

    Mr.LaBella ←The № 1 Devil→ Administrator

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    Men! DO NOT get down on 1 knee for a woman who will not get down on 2, for you! :bwah:

    When men give flowers, they always expect "tulips", in return.:ropeman:
     
  7. M.Olexey

    M.Olexey capo of the Texas knifemaking mafia Brigade Member

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    As a comedian......you make an awesome tow truck operator/discussion forum mogul. :bwah:
     
  8. englishmark

    englishmark Wicked Gardener

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    What did Spock find in the toilet ?






    The Captains log...............:ross:
     
    littlejoey likes this.
  9. Komitadjie

    Komitadjie Jay to the Dee, Y'All!

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    Totally jacked this one from a guy on POIfactory.

    A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.

    The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.

    A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of a road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.

    "I feel terrible", he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it".

    The blonde says, "Don't worry".

    She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.

    The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another ten feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.

    The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"

    The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. It says: "Hair Spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."
     
  10. LurtzWV-6

    LurtzWV-6 ZOOM-SMASH-WHOOSH Lady Devil

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    In league with the used car moguls Dewey, Cheatum and Howe?:ropeman:
     
  11. Komitadjie

    Komitadjie Jay to the Dee, Y'All!

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    I'd BET they're related...
     
  12. certifiedfryguy

    certifiedfryguy Average member

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    A blonde is driving in her car and turns on the radio. She hears on the news that 2 Brazilian men were killed. she starts crying and says, How many is a Brazilian?
     
    littlejoey and BaByGoTtHeRuNz like this.

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