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The *OFFICIAL* Rated PG Joke Thread

Mr.LaBella Oct 3, 2011

  1. Komitadjie

    Komitadjie Jay to the Dee, Y'All!

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    I'm chuckling now, that was a good one, OB. :devil1:

    You know what they say:

    "He eats shoots and leaves" / "He eats, shoots, and leaves." -- Grammar, the difference between dinner, and murder!

    Alternately: "I helped my uncle, Jack, off his horse." / "I helped my uncle jack off his horse."
     
    TPetsch likes this.
  2. TPetsch

    TPetsch Ice Cold Handshake

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    [​IMG]
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 13, 2011
    Komitadjie likes this.
  3. Komitadjie

    Komitadjie Jay to the Dee, Y'All!

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    Memo to all Employees:

    "During our recent state workplace safety inspection, there were several colourful comments made about whomever is operating the honour system bar in the break room. Sanitary concerns were raised, so we must insist on a stop to the practice immediately. Henceforth, we will be closing the break room for the installation of a proper bar gun and contracting for drinks on tap."
     
  4. OnceBitten

    OnceBitten Momma said I'd go blind Brigade Member

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    A sexy woman walked into the bar one afternoon and said, "I'll have a Heineken".

    She took the glass of beer and swallowed it in one gulp. Then she fainted on the floor.

    "Come on, give her a hand," the bartender called to the two men who were sitting at the bar. The men helped carry her into a spare room at the back and one of the men glanced around and said, "Listen, nobody's ever going to know, how about if we give her a quick romp?"

    They did just that. A few minutes later the woman came to and said, "Where am I? What is the time? My God, I have to get home." And out she went.

    Next afternoon, there were six men hanging around the bar when the same girl came in again and said, "I'll have a Heineken"

    She drank it down in one gulp and then fell on the floor in a dead faint. The men carried her to the back room and the performance was repeated, except that now there were seven men, including the bartender.

    The next day when she came in, there were twenty odd men hanging around. "I'll have a Heineken", she said. She swallowed it in one gulp, fell to the floor in a faint, and was carried to the back room where all the men partook of her.

    When she arrived on the fourth day, the word had really gotten around and there were close to fifty men in the bar, waiting eagerly with lustful eyes and bulging pants. As she walked towards the bar, the bartender pushed a glass of beer towards her.


    "You'll want your Heineken, Miss?"

    "No", she said "You better give me a gin & tonic. Heineken makes my pussy hurt.”




     
  5. Komitadjie

    Komitadjie Jay to the Dee, Y'All!

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    What's the difference between a Harley and a Hoover? One's got the dirtbag under the frame. :devil1:

    (I ride one, so I'm allowed to make the joke, HAH!)
     
  6. OnceBitten

    OnceBitten Momma said I'd go blind Brigade Member

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    How much is it to insure a Vacuum Cleaner in Washington?
     
  7. AJD1

    AJD1 Prince Of Darkness Brigade Member

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    Funny stuff ...:devil1:
     
  8. Komitadjie

    Komitadjie Jay to the Dee, Y'All!

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    I'll be darned if they STILL don't charge me hundreds of bucks! Cripes, ONE little incident of beating and bagging half a parade, and you're marked for life, darn it! :bwah:
     
  9. Komitadjie

    Komitadjie Jay to the Dee, Y'All!

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    Shamelessly kyped from Mike Grasso over at Knifeforums, way too good not to share:

    His suggestion on meth lab detection.

    Methlab.jpg
     
  10. stdlrf11

    stdlrf11 A Most Impressive Member Super Moderator Brigade Member

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    Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.
    Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"

    Margaret looked him over. "Nope."®

    Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.®

    Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"

    Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."®

    Furious, Bert yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"

    "Nope.® Not a clue", she replied.®

    "IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!"®

    Without missing a beat Margaret replied, "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert.

    Shoulda bought a hat."
     
    havana d likes this.
  11. LurtzWV-6

    LurtzWV-6 ZOOM-SMASH-WHOOSH Lady Devil

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    I have to take that to work with me. That is amazing!:bwah:
     
  12. AJD1

    AJD1 Prince Of Darkness Brigade Member

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    How can you tell if you have an underbite????

    Answer:When you're eatin pussy and it tastes' like shit...:bwah:
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 4, 2011
  13. Komitadjie

    Komitadjie Jay to the Dee, Y'All!

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    So this guy takes his ailing parrot to the vet, it's really in bad shape and quite old, but he really likes the bird. Unfortunately, there's nothing the vet can do, and the old parrot dies while he's still at the vet. He walks into the room and is quite shaken up, so he asks the vet if he's really sure the bird is dead, maybe there's still some hope.

    The vet tells him that there's not really much they can do, but he can still try something.

    The guy says to try anything!

    So the vet goes to the back, and a few minutes later comes back out with a Siamese that he sets on the table beside the bird. It sniffs and pokes at the parrot with its paw for a few minutes, then shakes its head and hops down off the table. He takes it back into the back, and returns a bit later with a dog. The dog also proceeds to sniff at the bird and pokes it with his nose, then also shakes his head and walks out. So the vet has to go out and tell the fellow that there's nothing left he can do, nothing worked. Dejected, the guy goes home.

    A week later he calls back when he gets the bill, absolutely incensed. He asks the vet how he can possibly have a $500 bill for taking his parrot in to be told it's dead!

    The vet responds, "Well, keep in mind that covers the cat-scan and the lab report too..."
     
  14. stdlrf11

    stdlrf11 A Most Impressive Member Super Moderator Brigade Member

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    An Italian family is at the dinner table when the father says to his oldest son, "Tony! Why you-a such a fat-a-fuck?"
    Tony says, "Poppa, it's-a Mama's spaghetti! I can't-a stop-a eating it." Poppa says, "You should-a take-a smaller bites!"
    Then Poppa says to his middle son, "Michael! Why you-a such a fat-a fuck?"
    Michael says, "Poppa, it's-a Mama's lasagna. I can't-a stop-a eating it, it's-a so good." Poppa says, "You should-a also take-a smaller bites."
    Then Poppa says to his youngest son, "Fredo! How you-a stay so slim-a and-a trim-a?" Fredo says, "It's-a so easy, Poppa. I eat-a lots and lots of-a pussy."
    Poppa says, "Pussy? Pussy, that's-a taste like shit!"
    Fredo says, "Poppa, You should-a take-a smaller bites!"
     
    OnceBitten likes this.
  15. OnceBitten

    OnceBitten Momma said I'd go blind Brigade Member

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    Nice one, Fin. :thumbup:
     
  16. misfit

    misfit Somebody check my brain

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    Room 714 is closed......

    The Pop-Up Nazi keeps telling me:

    You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to.....again.

    Can't share my little green quaaludes....

    M
     
    Komitadjie likes this.
  17. Komitadjie

    Komitadjie Jay to the Dee, Y'All!

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    Why do they bury lawyers under twelve feet of dirt, instead of the usual six?

    Because deep down, they really are good people.
     
  18. OnceBitten

    OnceBitten Momma said I'd go blind Brigade Member

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    A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.

    She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

    Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

    She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

    He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

    For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

    Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

    One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.

    Two o'clock and no hired hand.

    Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

    She quietly called him over to her..

    "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

    Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."

    He did as she asked, ever so slowly.. "Now take off my socks."

    He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her feet.

    "Now take off my skirt."

    He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

    "Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

    Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
     
  19. Komitadjie

    Komitadjie Jay to the Dee, Y'All!

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    Laughing my ass off over here, OnceBitten, that's awesome.
     
  20. Ronlad

    Ronlad Vox Diabolus Administrator

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    What is worse then Grease on Olivia-Newton John?

    Cum on Eileen! !!!
     

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