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The *OFFICIAL* Rated PG Joke Thread

Mr.LaBella Oct 3, 2011

  1. Mr.LaBella

    Mr.LaBella ←The № 1 Devil→ Administrator

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    For tubtar
     
  2. Nuphoria

    Nuphoria Cunning Linguist Lady Devil

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    [​IMG]
     
  3. 50calmike

    50calmike 50 caliber Devil

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    What do you call a virgin on a water bed?












    Cherry Float!
    As told by my friends daughter, grade 4.
     
  4. TPetsch

    TPetsch Ice Cold Handshake

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    Did you hear the one that ends:

    " Rectum? ...Damn near killed'um! "
     
  5. littlejoey

    littlejoey High on a Mountain Top Brigade Member

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    Long ago, in the wild west...

    A three-legged dog walks into a saloon and says -
    "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
     
  6. OnceBitten

    OnceBitten Momma said I'd go blind Brigade Member

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    What the fudge is happening here?
     
  7. KMNREMTP

    KMNREMTP Devil's Playmate

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    croockets are chirpin'.
     
  8. Mr.LaBella

    Mr.LaBella ←The № 1 Devil→ Administrator

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    Tubtar knows.


    What did the ZERO say to the EIGHT?
























    "Nice belt."
     
  9. Komitadjie

    Komitadjie Jay to the Dee, Y'All!

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    So these two fish were in their tank, right? And the one looks at the other and says "You man the gun, I'll drive!" :devil1:
     
    LurtzWV-6 likes this.
  10. OnceBitten

    OnceBitten Momma said I'd go blind Brigade Member

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    Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

    After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem."

    The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.

    "Gee, Mom," he exclaimed, "For me?"

    "Just take two," Brenda replied. "The rest are for your father."


     
  11. Komitadjie

    Komitadjie Jay to the Dee, Y'All!

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    So, totally stole this one from KnifeForums.

    A precious little Texas girl, with two missing teeth,walks into Pet Smart and asks the owner "Excuthe me mithter, do you have any widdle wabbits?"

    As his heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks,"Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

    She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, crosses her arms, leans forward and says; "I don't think my python weally gives a thit."
     
    50calmike likes this.
  12. OnceBitten

    OnceBitten Momma said I'd go blind Brigade Member

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    A Sign


    A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning. It's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither of them is hurt. God works in mysterious ways.

    After they crawl out of their cars, the man starts yelling about women drivers.


    The woman says, “So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but, we're unhurt. This must be a Sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days.”


    Flattered, the man replies, “Oh, yes, I agree completely! This must be a Sign from God, but, you're still at fault. Women shouldn't be allowed to drive.”

    The woman continues, “Look at this: here's another miracle! My car is completely demolished, but, this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.”

    She hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, and drinks half the bottle. He then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

    The man asks, “Aren't you having any?”


    The woman replies, “No. I think I'll just wait for the police.”




    MORAL OF THE STORY:

    Women are clever, evil bitches.
    Don't mess with them.

     
  13. stdlrf11

    stdlrf11 A Most Impressive Member Super Moderator Brigade Member

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    A husband and wife are driving along a long, dark stretch of road one cold winter night. they come across a fresh set of skid marks and see something lying in the middle of the road. They stop to see what it is.

    It turns out to be a skunk that must have been hit and killed by the last passing car.

    Suddenly they see something moving in the bushes. They search the bushes and find the dead skunk's little baby.

    Not wanting to let the baby skunk freeze to death, they decide to carry it to the next town and drop it off at the emergency vet.

    The husband tells his wife to just hold the skunk in her lap. Its only a few miles and it wouldn't be right to throw it in the trunk.

    The wife protests, "what about the smell?"

    "No problem," the husband shrugs. "Just hold its little nose."
     
  14. TPetsch

    TPetsch Ice Cold Handshake

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    How come you'll never go hungry in the desert?






















    Because of all the "sand which is" there. :ross:
     
  15. Komitadjie

    Komitadjie Jay to the Dee, Y'All!

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    What's the difference between a golfer and a skydiver?

    Golfer goes *Whack* "Dangit!"
    Skydiver goes "Dangit!" *Whack*
     
  16. Loki

    Loki Little member

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    A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'

    Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

    Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

    While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

    Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.


    Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'

    Harry: '9.'

    Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'

    Harry: '36.'

    And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

    The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'

    Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.'

    The principal and Harry both agreed.

    Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only2 two of?'

    Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'

    Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

    The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

    Harry replied: 'Pockets.'

    Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'

    Harry: 'Pants.'

    Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'

    Harry: 'Coconut.'

    The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

    Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'

    The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

    Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog
    does on three legs?'

    Harry: 'Shake hands.'

    The principal was trembling.....

    Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'

    Harry: 'Firetruck.'

    The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.....
     
    OnceBitten likes this.
  17. Komitadjie

    Komitadjie Jay to the Dee, Y'All!

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    Ahh, the old assumption song comes to mind. lol

    So this duck waddles into a bar, and asks the bartender "Hey, do you have any pickles?"
    The bartender looks at him oddly, and says "Nope, none."
    The duck nods and waddles out.

    Next day, the duck is back. He hops up on the bar and asks the bartender "Hey, do you have any pickles?"
    The bartender grumbles and tells him no again, and the duck waddles out.

    Next day, he's back again! Hops up on the bar and asks the bartender "Hey, do you have any pickles?"
    The bartender glares at him and tells him "No, and if you ask again I'm going to staple your beak to the bar!"
    The duck considers that, and waddles out.

    Next day, he comes back in, hops up on the bar and asks the bartender "Hey, do you have any staples?"
    The bartender looks a bit taken back, and says that he doesn't.
    Then the duck asks "Well, then do you have some pickles?"
     
  18. OnceBitten

    OnceBitten Momma said I'd go blind Brigade Member

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    A young Swedish woman, an old Dutch woman, an Englishman, and an Irishman are riding a train...

    The train goes through a tunnel and it becomes pitch black in the car, a loud SMACK is heard... the train emerges from the tunnel and the Englishman is rubbing his cheek.

    The Swedish girl thinks "I bet he tried to grope me and accidentally got the old woman and she slapped him..."

    The Dutch woman thinks "He must have groped the Swedish girl and she slapped him..."

    The Englishman thinks "The Irishman must have groped the Swedish girl and she accidentally slapped me..."

    And the Irishman thinks "I can't wait for another tunnel so I can smack that English guy again."
     
  19. OnceBitten

    OnceBitten Momma said I'd go blind Brigade Member

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    A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labor is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.

    “I’m afraid I don’t have a husband” she replies.

    “OK. Do you have a boyfriend?”, asks the Midwife.

    “No, no boyfriend either.”

    “Do you have a partner then?”

    “No, I’m unattached; I’ll be having my baby on my own.”

    After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman.

    “You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black”.

    “Well,” replies the girl, “I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a porno movie. The leading man was black”.

    “Oh,” says the midwife, “it’s really none of my business and I’m sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions, but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair”.

    “Well yes,” the girl again replies, “you see the co-star in the movie was this Swedish guy.”

    “Oh,” the midwife repeats, “it’s really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby also has slanted eyes”.

    “Yes,” continues the girl, “there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice.”

    At this, the midwife collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the bum.

    The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims,

    “Thank God for that!”

    “What do you mean?” says the midwife, shocked.

    “Well,” says the girl extremely relieved, “I had this horrible feeling that it was going to bark!”
     
  20. OnceBitten

    OnceBitten Momma said I'd go blind Brigade Member

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    One day, Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, "We're making some cutbacks, so, either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off."

    Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know whom to let go."

    The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive.


    Barbara was the first to come in, so, Dave said, "Barbara, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?"

    Barbara replied, "You'd better jack off. I've got a headache."
     

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