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Really gone through the ringer

nocheese4u Jun 26, 2022

  1. nocheese4u

    nocheese4u Notch'yo' cheese! JDBA Official Member

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    Well an update on the life of cheese. Any members who know me like Lorne and be green know about my last episode with the dreaded opiates. And I stayed away from them since that happened. I haven’t looked for them or nothing. I did take some probably fake percocets some one gave me a few months ago but other than that nothing. Then a few weeks ago while doing laundry I found some syringes in a sock in my drawer. I didn’t throw them away. The Monday after I found them while at work installing a camera system in some apartments I find 3 balloons in the closet . One was black tar 1.75g and the other two were 3.5gs of some white shit. I went home did a shot and flushed it all down the toilet. When I was high before I flushed it I tried to do some of the white shit like coke. The next day I had a horrible swamp ass rash that just burned like fire when soap hi it. I couldn’t find any Vaseline so I put lotion on it which burns so bad. It was then I remembered the spoon and thought it might have some pain killer left in it. I heated it up with some water and snorted it with a straw. Cleaned up the spoon put it away and went out side to cut a piece of plywood. Where I overdosed some neighbor called 911 and I was in ICU for three days. It was Tuesday afternoon. The paramedic told me that they wouldn’t do cpr on me though. I had three shots of narcan. And was still nodding out on Friday. Which is unheard of. They gave me a second drug test to see If I was secretly still using. They wanted to get on suboxone or go to inpatient rehab because the truth sounds like some junky lie.

    Which ultimately led to divorce papers and having to find a new place to live. Then on Fathers Day I found out my father was in the hospital. I was getting conflicting info about what was going on and told my Mom to call me while at work if I needed to come down.

    I had forgotten my wallet which was necessary to pay the 16$ dollars in parking. I went home to get it and saw my wife and told her I was going to see my dad in the hospital. She told me to pack I didn’t I planned to drive down and come back that night.

    All I knew was that he was having seizures and his blood sugar was 500 and it was supposed to be around 120. When I get to the hospital they did the brain damage questions 3 times and his responses were of late stage Alzheimer’s. Didn’t know who me and mom were, his birthday or address etc. I end up staying night regretting not packing. He got out of icu the next day.

    We had just celebrated his 75th with a family cruise and he was fine except for need new knees. I find out he hasn’t been able to get test strips since December.

    He is out of the hospital and back at home. When I left my mom I told her that it was like an earthquake in a library it will take some time to put the books back.

    I was going to go back to Iowa this weekend but decided to wait until the Fourth for the extra day and because it is 200$ In gas.

    I think I found a place though. Which is a miracle. But holy shit It is a lot to deal with. The place thing was so tricky though. I know where I will end up if I move to some shitty area in the cities. I want to go back to Iowa and quit my job but I think I am a year or 2 away from passing a driving background.

    I put an add on Craigslist for wanting a roommate and a guy texted me when was really feeling bad it is an hour outside of the cities on a farm. He is also going through divorce. He just wants some help on the house and 200 a month. I really hope it is the right decision.

    I believe in god but the god I believe in doesn’t care how you find him or what you call him or who you believe are his prophets. He just wants to be found and to love and care for our fellow humans and the planet.

    I kind of believe he is helping me right now. I really hope so. The freaking abyss has never been so tempting. I believe I may be headed in the direction.

    I have reached out to the employee assistance program to deal with the trauma that drugs hide so well.

    The wife does want to see the place and meet the guy just in case I get murdered. So that is a big deal for me.

    I reached out to my cousin in town to hopefully get closer. I need to expand my network of people in this area. I really need to increase my network of give a shit about me. And I need to figure out how to love myself.
     
  2. spookyse7en

    spookyse7en Huge member

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    Holy shit brother. That is a lot to deal with but I have been through similar.
    You are not alone.
    Your story about finding stuff rang a bell.

    Get away from the bad influences and look to GOD. He will lead you to the right place.
    And you can repair broken relationships but if not it was not meant to be you can move on
    with peace as long as you come clean and tried to do the right thing.

    You are not the only addict that slipped.
    But Jesus forgives us for fucking up like that.
    You just have to ask for it.


    We tend to beat ourselves up for mistakes rather than seeing that we can be forgiven
    and reborn anytime we want to no matter what higher power you believe in.
    And then we can look at our mistakes and our history and realize how we can change and be
    a better person and use our experiences as a tool to serve others.

    Once everything is not about you but rather serving GOD and others it becomes a bit easier.
    One day at a time.

    I ain't sober so take that with a grain of salt but %100 drug free for a long time. A real long time.
    You can come through and conquer whatever is in front of you if you put your faith in GOD and realize that you are not the one in control. Ask for forgiveness and guidance. It will come.

    Please forgive me if I sound preachy and I am not trying to tell you what to do. Just my personal experience.

    Much love to you brother and thank you for sharing your struggles. It helps others who may be going through tough times but are too afraid to talk about it for whatever reason.

    LIKE ME
     
    woodlander, snache and nocheese4u like this.
  3. nocheese4u

    nocheese4u Notch'yo' cheese! JDBA Official Member

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    I sure hope it helps someone. I don’t know if I want to go the NA or AA route because I don’t intend on quitting the weed or mushrooms. I do have a therapy appointment scheduled, they may change my mind. The mushrooms sure do make me appreciate the miracle of our existence and examine myself. The weed helps deal with the shit of blue collar life and I tend to switch to something else when I stop.
     
  4. Manganr

    Manganr Devils Supermoderator Super Moderator

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    Shit Cheese, I had no idea what a fucked up place you were/are in. I know substances always feel like the easy answer but they'll never fix you. Only YOU can fix you.and you really have to want to. Shit you sound like the script from Trainspotting. Pm me buddy. I don't know shit but I know people.
     
    nocheese4u and snache like this.
  5. Samb

    Samb Should be a custom title here

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    Been down that road myself, good luck!
     
    snache and nocheese4u like this.
  6. nocheese4u

    nocheese4u Notch'yo' cheese! JDBA Official Member

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    Definitely see the Trainspotting connection in my situation. I also see a dash of Requiem for a Dream with a Dash of Permanent Midnight. Freaking LOVE movies! Permanent Midnight is way under the radar but it has Ben Stiller and Elizabeth Hurley. Ben stiller plays a writer (sounds like he was writing for the show Alf, but I never confirmed) who makes 5k a week with a 10k a week habit. I got a direct link to the final train scene in Trainspotting, a similarity to the parent issue in Requiem, the divorce in Midnight, and a childhood like Basketball diaries.
     
    Last edited: Jun 29, 2022
  7. Samb

    Samb Should be a custom title here

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    Been down that road myself, good luck!
     
    snache likes this.
  8. Samb

    Samb Should be a custom title here

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    NA and AA didn't work for me. Just got tired of being broke and miserable. If AA or NA helps then go for it, definitely won't hurt.
     
    snache likes this.
  9. nocheese4u

    nocheese4u Notch'yo' cheese! JDBA Official Member

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    Well visited my family this weekend. My dad seems to be back to normal and if his blood sugar stays in check he will have knee surgery in a couple of weeks. The bad knees have really put a damper on the excercise part of diabetes.
     
    snache likes this.

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