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L33731 Feb 22, 2006

  1. crogers

    crogers Magnus advocatus diaboli Super Moderator Brigade Member

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    How are a condom and a bungee cable exactly alike?

    If the rubber breaks, you're fucked!
     
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  2. snache

    snache Should be a custom title here

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    (Use index finger to call someone over and then say) I made you come with one finger, imagine what I could do with my whole hand.
     
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  3. crogers

    crogers Magnus advocatus diaboli Super Moderator Brigade Member

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    A man and his wife are fanatical golfers. They have a decent game, but know that there's always room for improvement. So, they sign up for a private lesson each. The husband wins the coin toss and gets his lesson first.

    On the course with the pro, he takes a couple of swings and the pro sees his problem. "No, no, no! You're gripping the club way too tight. You should hold it like you'd hold your wife's breast. Try that and see how you do."

    He adjusts his grip and *whack*, he hits a nearly perfect shot 250 yards straight down the middle of the fairway. For the rest of the lesson, he hits great shot after great shot.

    He goes home and excitedly tells his wife about his great improvement. She gets excited and can hardly contain herself until her lesson.

    The next day, she's on the course with the pro and takes a couple of swings. "No, no, no! You're gripping the club way too tight. You should hold it like you're holding your husband's penis."

    She adjusts her grip and *bloop*, hits a terrible shot that rolls about 15 feet.

    The pro says, "OK, now take the club out of your mouth and try using your hands...."
     
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  4. snache

    snache Should be a custom title here

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    Mickey Mouse is in the middle of a nasty divorce from Minnie Mouse. Mickey spoke to the judge about the separation. "I'm sorry Mickey, but I can't legally separate you two on the grounds that Minnie is mentally insane," said the judge. Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was mentally insane, I said that she's f*cking Goofy!"
     
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  5. Samb

    Samb Huge Member

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    Bet they did it doggy style.
     
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  6. snache

    snache Should be a custom title here

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    What's the difference between a pizza and a Jew?

    Pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the oven...
     
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  7. crogers

    crogers Magnus advocatus diaboli Super Moderator Brigade Member

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    And the Lord declared that "Men should find good wives in all corners of the earth!"

    Then He made the earth round and laughed and laughed and laughed....
     
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  8. crogers

    crogers Magnus advocatus diaboli Super Moderator Brigade Member

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    A fellow walks into the local watering hole of a beautiful day and sees his neighbor Farmer Bob sitting there getting drunk. "Bob, why would a hard-working farmer be sitting here getting drunk on this beautiful day?"

    Bob said, "There's just some things that you can't explain!"

    The fellow insisted, "There must be a reason. What's going on?"

    "Well," says Bob, "if you must know, I was milking old Bessie this morning. When I had the pail about half full, she kicked it over with her right leg. I took a scrap of rope and tied her right leg to the right side of the stall. There's just some things that you can't explain!"

    "Accidents like that must happen all the time. So why are you getting drunk?"

    "I took up to milking again," continues Bob, "and when the pail was about half full again, Bessie kicked it over with her left leg. I took another scrap of rope and tied her left leg to the left side of the stall. There's just some things that you can't explain!"

    "OK, so you lost a pail of milk. Why are you still drinking?"

    "I got back to milking," says Bob, "and just as I got that pail half full again, Bessie knocked it over with her tail. Now, I don't have any more rope, so I take off my belt and tie her tail to the upper post on the stall. About that time, my pants fall down, and my wife walks in.... There's just some things that you can't explain!"
     
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  9. snache

    snache Should be a custom title here

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    A guy meets a girl at a club & ends up taking her home. They get undressed. He takes her t!ts out & starts sucking on them. Immediately, milk starts coming out. He says "WTF, are you pregnant?" She replies "That's not a nipple, it's a boil."
     
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  10. crogers

    crogers Magnus advocatus diaboli Super Moderator Brigade Member

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    How are women like tires?

    It's a good idea to always have a spare.
     
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  11. snache

    snache Should be a custom title here

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    Q: Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
    A: Because like all men, they won't stop to ask directions.
     
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  12. crogers

    crogers Magnus advocatus diaboli Super Moderator Brigade Member

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    Jokes are a lot like girlfriends...

    if it sucks, you'd better keep it to yourself.
     
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  13. snache

    snache Should be a custom title here

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    What's black, white & red & can't fit through a revolving door?

    A nun with a javelin through her head.
     
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  14. crogers

    crogers Magnus advocatus diaboli Super Moderator Brigade Member

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    I got so fed up with the trick-or-treaters last Halloween that I turned off the lights and pretended I wasn't home.

    My lighthouse, my rules.
     
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  15. crogers

    crogers Magnus advocatus diaboli Super Moderator Brigade Member

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    A drunk staggers up to the bar and asks the bartender for directions to the men's room. The bartender directs him, then goes about his work. A few minutes later, a blood-curdling scream is heard from the restroom area. The bar goes silent, but after a few minutes, conversations resume and things return to normal.

    A few minutes later, another blood-curdling scream interrupts everyone's night. The bartender remembers the drunk and goes to check on him.
    He looks in the men's room, no one's inside. So, he checks the lady's room. It's empty as well. He then hears another scream from the room at the end of the hall. He opens the door, and there sits the drunk.

    "What are you screaming about?" asks the barman. "You're scaring the other customers!"

    "Every time I try to flush this toilet," stammers the drunk, "something squeezes my balls!"

    "Ease up dude," explains the bartender. "You're in the janitor's closet and you're shitting in the mop bucket."

    Bucket.jpg
     
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  16. Samb

    Samb Huge Member

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    Don't think I've ever been that drunk.
     
  17. snache

    snache Should be a custom title here

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    What did the lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire?
    "See you next month."
     
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  18. snache

    snache Should be a custom title here

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    What happens if a Asian with an erection walks into a wall?
    He breaks his nose
     
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  19. crogers

    crogers Magnus advocatus diaboli Super Moderator Brigade Member

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    A Mexican and a Black man are sitting in a car, who's driving?


    The cop.
     
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  20. crogers

    crogers Magnus advocatus diaboli Super Moderator Brigade Member

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    The picture of the deer from 2017, (https://www.jerzeedevil.com/threads...ters-in-your-yard.162979/page-36#post-2027261) reminded me of this one....

    A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut but the barber refused saying, "I cannot accept money from you, for you are a good man - you do God’s work."

    The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.

    A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment saying, "I cannot accept money from you, for you are a good man - you protect the public."

    The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop.

    A politician came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment saying, "I cannot accept money from you, for you are a good man - you serve the public good."

    The next morning the barber found a dozen more politicians waiting for a haircut.
     
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