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Post your TASTELESS & OFFENSIVE jokes here:

L33731 Feb 22, 2006

  1. crogers

    crogers Magnus advocatus diaboli Super Moderator Brigade Member

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    A fellow sat beside me on the bus today. He pulled a photo of his wife out of his wallet and said, "Isn't she beautiful?"

    I said, "If you think she's beautiful, you should see my wife."

    "Why?", he asked. "Is she a looker as well?"

    "No, she's an optician...."

    :rimshot:
     
  2. crogers

    crogers Magnus advocatus diaboli Super Moderator Brigade Member

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    Nothing is built in the USA anymore. I just bought a new TV... says "Built in Antennae"

    Hell, I dont even know where that is....
     
    Stormdrane, blaPsplaT and Samb like this.
  3. crogers

    crogers Magnus advocatus diaboli Super Moderator Brigade Member

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    A guy got pulled over driving his new Mercedes Benz. The cop checked his license and registration and all the papers were in order. But, the cop was not content until he found something wrong. "So," asked the cop, "how do you afford such a nice Mercedes?"

    "I'm a specialty surgeon," the driver replied.

    "What's that do?" asked the cop.

    The driver explained, "I make assholes bigger."

    "Really?" exclaimed the cop. "How do you do that?"

    "It's pretty basic," explained the driver. "First you stick in a finger and stretch. Then, you add the second finger, then the third. Before long, you can get your whole hand in. Then keep stretching until you can get in a foot, then the other foot, and just keep at it until it's 6 feet."

    The cop asked, "What do you do with a 6-foot asshole?"

    "Usually," the guy responded, "you give it a badge and a radar gun!"
     
    Stormdrane and Samb like this.
  4. crogers

    crogers Magnus advocatus diaboli Super Moderator Brigade Member

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    I saw 2 men in matching outfits, I asked them if they were gay.

    They arrested me.
     
    Stormdrane, blaPsplaT and Samb like this.
  5. crogers

    crogers Magnus advocatus diaboli Super Moderator Brigade Member

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    A farmer gets a new young rooster. He turns him loose on the farm and the rooster runs off and screws all 150 hens. The farmer is impressed. After lunch, the rooster is again screwing all 150 hens.

    The next morning, the farmer gets up and the rooster is at it again. At this point, the farmer has gone past being impressed to starting to worry if the rooster will survive.

    Again the next day, the farmer sees the rooster screwing, not only the hens, but the ducks, geese, cows and pigs.

    That afternoon, the farmer looks out the barn door and sees the rooster laying flat on his back with wings spread. He walks over and looks down on the rooster and says, "Screwed yourself to death, huh? I suppose that serves you right, you horny bastard!"

    The rooster pops open one eye, points to the sky, and says, "Shhh... buzzards!"
     
    blaPsplaT and Pinoy Knife like this.
  6. blaPsplaT

    blaPsplaT Little Member

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    Two high schoolers are standing at adjacent urinals. One looks over to the other and says:

    "Man my first period teacher is so hot, I would fuck her in a second"

    "OH yeah? I totally got a blow job from my math teacher Mrs Martin 2 weeks ago"

    "Mrs Martin??? I'm a senior and I've never heard of her. Is she new? Is she a babe?"

    "Some of my friends think so"

    "Well what room number is she in?"

    "OH she doesn't teach here man. I'm homeschooled"
     
    Last edited: May 1, 2021
    crogers likes this.
  7. crogers

    crogers Magnus advocatus diaboli Super Moderator Brigade Member

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    A coworker just returned from a week off due to illness. He said, "My wife loves me more that any man has ever been loved by a woman!"

    "How's that?" I asked.

    "Well," he explained, "she was just so thrilled to have me home. Every time a delivery person, or mailman came in the driveway, she'd run out and yell, 'My husband's home! My husband's home!'"
     
    blaPsplaT likes this.
  8. crogers

    crogers Magnus advocatus diaboli Super Moderator Brigade Member

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    I just found out that a school of piranhas can devour a whole human child in under 2 minutes.


    Anyways, I lost my job at the aquarium....
     
    blaPsplaT and Stormdrane like this.
  9. Samb

    Samb Huge Member

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    Sick, but funny!
     
  10. crogers

    crogers Magnus advocatus diaboli Super Moderator Brigade Member

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    After picking up her son from school, a mother asked him how his day was. The kid replied, "I had sex with my teacher."

    The mother is upset, takes the kid straight home and sends him to his room. When the father comes home from work, she tells him what their son had done. The father gets a big smile on his face and goes to the sons' room.

    "So, son, tell me what happened today..." says the father.

    "I had sex with my teacher." The father tells his son that he is so proud of him and tells him he's going to reward him with a new bicycle.

    On the way to the store, the father asks if the son would like to ride his new bike home.

    The boy responds, "No thanks Dad, my butt still hurts."
     
  11. crogers

    crogers Magnus advocatus diaboli Super Moderator Brigade Member

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    My girlfriend got stung by a bee on the forehead...

    She's at the ER now, her face all swollen and bruised, she almost died...


    Luckily, I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel.
     
    blaPsplaT and Samb like this.
  12. crogers

    crogers Magnus advocatus diaboli Super Moderator Brigade Member

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    This fellow took the window seat on a airplane. Soon, a man took the aisle seat and a Labrador Retriever sat between them. Intrigued, the first guy asked, "How can you bring this dog on board?"

    The other replied, "I'm a DEA Agent and he's a trained sniffer dog. After we take off, I'll show you how he works."

    After the plane had leveled off, he ordered the dog, "Search." The dog walked down the aisle, and sat down beside a woman for a few minutes. Then, he returned to the seat and placed one paw on the agent's right arm.

    "That woman has marijuana on her. I'm making a note of her seat number and authorities can take her into custody when we land." Again, he tells the dog, "Search." The dog goes down the aisle, sits beside a man for a few minutes and returns. He places both paws on the agent's left arm. "That guy's got cocaine. Again, I'll note his seat number and we'll let the ground authorities handle it."

    Again, with the command of "Search," the dog goes back down the aisle. He sits down beside another man for a second, jumps up and runs back to his seat. He proceeds to shit all over the place.

    Disgusted by this, the guy asks the agent, "Why would such a well trained dog behave like this?"

    The agent grits his teeth and says, "He just found a bomb!"
     
  13. crogers

    crogers Magnus advocatus diaboli Super Moderator Brigade Member

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    Guys, if your marriage fails don't just blame her. It takes 2 people to make a toxic relationship.

    Blame her and her mother.
     
    blaPsplaT likes this.
  14. crogers

    crogers Magnus advocatus diaboli Super Moderator Brigade Member

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    My dentist told me "This might hurt a little bit. Are you ready?"

    I said "Yes, I'm ready."

    He said "I'm sleeping with your wife."
     
  15. crogers

    crogers Magnus advocatus diaboli Super Moderator Brigade Member

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    During the heavy rain, an old man stood outside a bar, at a large puddle, with a stick and a piece of string. A guy was walking into the bar and asked him what he was doing.

    "I'm fishing," replied the old man.

    Feeling sorry for the old confused guy, the man offered, "Come on inside with me. I'll buy you a drink."

    As they sit inside enjoying their drinks, the fellow, being a bit of a smart-ass, asks, "Tell me... how many have you caught today?"

    The old man took a sip of his drink and answered, "You're the eighth!"
     
    Pinoy Knife likes this.
  16. crogers

    crogers Magnus advocatus diaboli Super Moderator Brigade Member

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    I'd like to have kids one day.


    I don't think I could stand them any longer than that, though.
     
    Samb likes this.
  17. Samb

    Samb Huge Member

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    They grow on ya and are a pain in the ass but they're nice to have at tax time.
     
  18. crogers

    crogers Magnus advocatus diaboli Super Moderator Brigade Member

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    I saw a program about fathers and sons drinking together, and it occurred to me that I had never taken my son out for a drink. So, I took him to the neighborhood bar a few blocks down the street.

    I ordered him a Guiness, but he didn't like it, so I drank it.

    Then, I ordered him a Killian's, he didn't like that either, so I drank it.

    Losing hope, I ordered him a Harp Lager. Nope, he didn't like that neither, so I drank it.

    Thinking that maybe his tastes ran more toward whiskey, I ordered him a shot of Jameson's. No cigar, he barely touched it. So, I drank it.

    In desperation, I ordered him a 25 year old Glenfiddich - the bar's finest Scotch. He wouldn't ever smell it. What could I do but drink it?

    By the time I realized that he just didn't like to drink...

    I was so shit-faced I could barely push his stroller home.
     
    Samb likes this.
  19. crogers

    crogers Magnus advocatus diaboli Super Moderator Brigade Member

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    A drunk wakes up in jail, "Why am I here officer?"

    "For drinking." replies the cop.

    "Great" says the man. "When do we start?"
     

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