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International Rules of Manhood

L33731 Feb 21, 2006

  1. L33731

    L33731 House Whore

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    International Rules of Manhood



    1. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella

    2. It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:

    a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.

    b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.

    c. After wrecking your boss' car.

    d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".

    e. When she is using her teeth.

    3. Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

    4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

    5. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

    6. Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However, complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

    7. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional.

    8. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

    9. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

    10. You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

    11. It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel... And it's free.

    12. Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

    13. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

    14. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

    15. If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

    16. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

    17. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

    18. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

    19. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

    20. Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

    21. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:

    a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!

    b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!

    c. Another set and we can hit the showers!

    22. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e. both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

    23. Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

    24. The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion about
    what a big mistake it was occurs.

    25. It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

    26. Thou shall not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.


    27. There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.
     
    swampwolf likes this.
  2. Raoul

    Raoul Commodore Postwhore

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    Damned!!!!!

    I just found out I'm a poor excuse for a man!!!:moping:

    I will not even go into the rules that I've broke!!!
    (Though I do think it's a funny post!!!):lafflol:
     
  3. nemesis too

    nemesis too little red corvette

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    I love to watch women ice skate. Like when they put one leg straight up behind their ear!:doublefu:
    John
     
  4. TKC

    TKC Earthbound misfit Lady Devil

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    That IS a funny post!!
     
  5. tmik

    tmik Midwest Knifemaker Knife Maker or Craftsman

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    28. When urinating in a bar, never, ever look at the next guys dick. Look straight ahead at the boogers on the wall in front of you.
     
  6. ANDYLASER

    ANDYLASER Big Pierced Member

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    Very Good.:-D
     
  7. Rozz

    Rozz piss and vinegar Lady Devil

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    Mens rulz....

    I don't agree with some of these, but it's all in fun......

    1. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.

    2. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

    3. It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
    a) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse
    b) After wrecking your boss' Ferrari
    c) When your date is using her teeth

    4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

    5. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

    6. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for a guy who's running late is 5 minutes. Maximum waiting time is 6 minutes

    7. Bitching about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. Gripe at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

    8. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. (In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional.)

    9. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

    10 You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

    11. It is permissible to quaff a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel... and it's free.

    12. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

    13. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem --- you didn't see nothin'.

    14. Women who claim the "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.

    15. You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death of a girlfriend's cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan. 16. If you complement a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

    17. Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
    a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
    b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
    c) Another set and we can hit the showers!
    d) Nice Ass, are you a Sagittarius?

    18. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

    19. Never allow a phone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone, hang up if necessary.

    20. When a buddy is trying to hook up, you may sabotage him only in a manner that gives you no chance of hooking up either.
     
  8. Fenlore

    Fenlore I am Spartacus! Brigade Member

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    I agree with all but in a few certain ways.

    As per number 3 we are allowed to shed a tear if a heroic dog dies in a movie as the car one is both the boss and if a really nice car bites the dust.

    in number 17 the only time you should ever talk to a guy is if you're washing your hands and on the way out and so is he or if you are just getting to the pisser, once inside and waiting inline it's no talking, especially if pissing, it's eye's forward soldier and nothing more.

    You only have to bail out your buddy from jail if you were the cause of said jailing, however if the prick really deserved it it's his own damn fault for getting caught, kinda like in a fight, if your buddy gets into a fight you have to help him unless he pissed you off earlier.

    A camera can be brought to a bachelor party and pictures can be taken for the express purpose of figuring out exactly what the hell happened that night and for a great laugh later, under no circumstances however can the bride or any of her friends ever find out about said camera or anything which happened that night.


    Either way, good work Roslin.:decisions :gogdog:
     
  9. MJ

    MJ a most pure angel Lady Devil

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    Numbers 1,7, & 14 are my favorites. I'd like to see the asskicking that would be given to the guy who brings the camera. :devilzeek It would be harsh and ugly for sure. Definatley worth watching. :roflmao:
     
  10. Rozz

    Rozz piss and vinegar Lady Devil

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    Thats so funny you said that! I was just saying that was my favorite one!

    :jdwink2: :spin: :ssmile: :jdsmokin:
     
  11. Wolfgang

    Wolfgang Devil's Advocate

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    Seems like a good start. Number 5 should be changed to 72 hours, because if I don't know you that well I'm pretty sure most guys will still try banging your sister regardless which therefore nulls and voids it for me unless the above is not extended by 48 hours, then I can avoid hanging out with this prick and still have sex with his sister. :thefinger
     
  12. xrayzebra

    xrayzebra whirling dervish

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    Yeah, number 5 is a bit too strict. Just knowing a guy shouldn't put his sister off limits, unless you've known him in the biblical sense - in which case you are probably not interested in his sister.

    I think the stipulation should be something more like a guy's sister becomes off limits (unless you have intentions of marriage) if any of the following are true:

    1 - either of you has ever worked on the other's car
    2 - you have gone fishing, hunting, or to a sports event or titty bar, or you've done any other non-gay manly stuff together
    3 - your dogs know each other

    that kinda stuff... just knowing somebody shouldn't count.
     
  13. Umberto

    Umberto cool mother fucker Knife Maker or Craftsman

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    Funny stuff.
    I like #2.

    I mean #2 above, the umbrella thing.
    is what I mean.....

    #5 is completely nonexistant in Texas.
    Or anywhere I am.
     
  14. xrayzebra

    xrayzebra whirling dervish

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    Apparent from your avatar! :bwah:
     
  15. Umberto

    Umberto cool mother fucker Knife Maker or Craftsman

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    now I explained that.
     
  16. SuperD

    SuperD Sebbiephile

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    Those are classic, :bwah:
     
  17. IBJEDI

    IBJEDI I hereby delete myself My Ass is on Probation

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    Mens rules

    The Guys' Rules
    At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down
    Finally , the guys' side of the story.
    (
    I must admit, it's pretty good.)
    We always hear
    "the rules "
    From the female side.
    Now here are the rules from the male side.
    These are our rules!
    Please note... these are all numbered "1"
    ON PURPOSE!
    1. Men are NOT mind readers.

    1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
    You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
    We need it up, you need it down.
    You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

    1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon
    or the changing of the tides.
    Let it be.

    1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
    And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

    1. Crying is blackmail.

    1. Ask for what you want.
    Let us be clear on this one:
    Subtle hints do not work!
    Strong hints do not work!
    Obvious hints do not work!
    Just say it!

    1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

    1. Come to us with a problem
    only if you want help solving it.
    That's what we do.
    Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

    1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a
    Problem.
    See a doctor.

    1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
    In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

    1. If you won't dress like the Victoria
    's Secret girls,
    Don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

    1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
    Don't ask us.

    1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways
    and one of the ways makes you sad or angry,
    we meant the
    other one


    1. You can either ask us to do something
    Or tell us how you want it done.
    Not both.
    If you already know best how to do it,
    just do it yourself.

    1. Whenever possible,
    Please say whatever you have to say
    during commercials.

    1. Christopher Columbus did
    NOT need directions
    and neither do we.

    1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
    Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color.
    Pumpkin is also a fruit.
    We have
    no idea what mauve is.

    1. If it itches, it
    will be scratched.
    We do that.

    1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing,"
    We will act like nothing's wrong.
    We know you are lying,
    but it is just not worth the hassle.

    1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to,
    Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

    1. When we have to go somewhere,
    absolutely anything you wear is fine...
    Really .

    1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless
    you are prepared to discuss such topics as
    baseball, the shotgun formation,
    or golf.

    1. You have enough clothes.

    1. You have too many shoes.

    1. I am in shape.
    Round IS a shape!

    1. Thank you for reading this.
    Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;


    But did you know men really don't mind that?
    It's like camping.

    Pass this to as many men as you can -
    to give them a laugh.

    Pass this to as many women as you can -
    to give them a bigger laugh.
     
  18. marypalooza

    marypalooza First *OFFICIAL* JD Mother Lady Devil

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    I can back that. I recently pissed one of my guy friends off with something I did and I told him that he gets to complain about it one more time the next time I see him and THAT'S IT! :pumpkin:
     
  19. GODDESS OF VENGEANCE

    GODDESS OF VENGEANCE Crazy Bitch Lady Devil Super Moderator

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    :bobert: :bobert: So many of these are :bsface: It's not a one way street!! Works BOTH WAYS!! :thefinger
     
  20. cutty

    cutty Expiry

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    I just like the title "MEN RULE" allright.
     

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