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Found on Craigs List

falcon125 Sep 11, 2015

  1. falcon125

    falcon125 the express train to mayhem Brigade Member

    For my Birthday this week I got the best Electric Fence with the most powerful Charger. The one from Tractor Supply, it was made for 26 miles of fence.

    I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet into the ground.
    The ground rod is the key, the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

    I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel
    push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact
    that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it,
    to throw it out of the way. It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.

    Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand
    and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size
    of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.

    Time stood still.

    The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body.
    My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain.
    Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head.
    I was literally at one with the engine. It seems as though the fence charger and
    the piece of shit lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

    Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to
    differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less
    than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping
    along and you're all leaned back and BAM, BAM, BAM you just crap your pants 3
    times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together
    it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

    At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire.
    My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go.

    At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.
    'Damn,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!
    I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire. I woke up laying on the ground hours later.
    The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned. There
    were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot
    where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.

    Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:
    1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
    2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).
    3- Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.
    4- My left eye will not open.
    5- My right eye will not close.
    6- The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some
    carbon fouling or something,because it was better than new after that.
    7- My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.
    8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this?)

    That day changed my life. I now have a new found respect for things. I appreciate the little things more,
    and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

    Happy Birthday to Me.
    markandrex likes this.
  2. knateknife

    knateknife JDBA4L JDBA Official Member

    Whoops. I thought I was somewhere else.
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 11, 2015
  3. Pinoy Knife

    Pinoy Knife JDBA4L JDBA Official Member

    Grats on surviving the B-Day. haven't laughed that hard in a while.
  4. markandrex

    markandrex Thunderstruck Brigade Member

    That was fucking great!:bwah:

    Happy Birthday!:thumbsup:
  5. TPetsch

    TPetsch Ice Cold Handshake

    That was fun, Thanks!
  6. OnceBitten

    OnceBitten Momma said I'd go blind Brigade Member

  7. apdallaround

    apdallaround K'inich Janaab' Pakal I JDBA Official Member

    that is crazy
  8. begreen61

    begreen61 Deadicated JDBA Official Member Brigade Member

    The way you put things are too funny,But your lucky it didn't kill you .That will be one Birthday you won't forget .
  9. abqjoe

    abqjoe JDBA4L JDBA Official Member

    Now that's a friggen story worth reading:)
  10. Amotek

    Amotek Eerie Ver Sable Brigade Member

    Plagiarist of the lowest denominator! :devilfinger::devilfinger::devilfinger:
  11. falcon125

    falcon125 the express train to mayhem Brigade Member

    THE FUCKING TITLE SAYS ""Found on Craigs List" and its posted in "REPOST FUCKING CENTRAL"

    It does NOT SAY this is my FUCKING STORY. Should I have put it in quotes to make that even more obvious?

    Read before you post it makes your comment so much more relevant to the thread.:unintroduced:
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 20, 2015
  12. Amotek

    Amotek Eerie Ver Sable Brigade Member

    Okay, now it's starting to get a little better! :devilwag::ross::madaddy::ross::devilwag:
  13. falcon125

    falcon125 the express train to mayhem Brigade Member

    If it were my story there would be mention of alcohol, my ass and possibly my thumb stuck in my truck door.:madaddy:
  14. Glenn

    Glenn Sol Invictus Knife Maker or Craftsman


  15. TopHat

    TopHat Drivin' that train..... Brigade Member

    NOW it's fixed.....
  16. ded i

    ded i Friend of The Devil Lady Devil

    More Falcon's ass

    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 24, 2015
  17. crogers

    crogers Magnus advocatus diaboli Super Moderator Brigade Member


    Thank God!! :devilwag:

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