This story should start off in a dark stormy night due to the horrific events that took place but unfortunately I can't really remember the weather it was those days. All I remember is my mom standing over me and yelling something in some language. It might have been Greek or French. Now that I look back and think it was most likely English or Spanish due those being the only languages she speaks. But I'm not certain of which dialect she spoke at that time because all I could do was see her lips move and the expression on her face. I was 95.34% deaf. I could barely move. WHAT IS GOING ON?
Now I know something is really wrong with me. My mom is pretty sure something major is really wrong with me. What do you do when something is really wrong with you and need immediate attention? You go to sleep and we deal with it in the morning. At least that is what we do in this house.
I wake up hours later and I can't hear or move still but now I can hear about 10% compared to the crappy 4.66% from before. Sweet! Upgrade! I ride off to the emergency room. Once there I hit up the vending machine because I was hungry from not eating anything that morning. Just about empty. The only things in there were healthy snack and bunch of expired crap. Bah! I'll starve. I'll be leaving this place soon anyways...or so I thought.
After a few hours I finally get told that they are going to have to keep me at the hospital. I ask why and they say they are going to observe me for a few days. I then over hear the nurse say to the doctor that I am about to go in renal failure. OH CRAP! I start panicking. MY KIDNEYS ARE ABOUT TO FAIL! What happened to me? Why does everyone keep saying it's Sunday when it's Saturday? It is Saturday, right?
Well shoot me now. I was knocked out in my room for a whole day. That explains it being Sunday and why I can't move my legs properly. All the toxins in my body weren't being filtered from my body and I was laying on my side. The side I was laying on was having these toxins settle there and eat at my muscle. I knew I should have never skipped out on that Flintstones vitamin that Friday morning.
Now entering in the room weighing in at 400 plus pounds and sporting a nursing moo moo that is 3 sizes too small and an appetite as big as a third world nation's! The woman that ate all the snacks from the vending machine! Mingi's nurse!
Oh man. This is just getting worse by the minute. She chucks one of those degrading hospital cloths that every patient has to wear. The ones that leave you with no dignity when you stand up. The straps are ALWAYS broken on them. Why? Is this an ongoing joke with all the doctors and nurses or are these so craptacular that they break under very little stress? She stares at me while I take off my clothes and put on the gown. I hate her already. I could beat her for just eating everything that was decent in the vending machine but her staring at me and the attitude she is giving me is making me want to limp over to her obtuse self and beat her down with the first object I can find which would be this tubing on this cart that she wheeled in.
Wait a second...a long tube and some lubrication. Tube and lube? OH! TUBE AND LUBE! Lord, save me now! I had a good idea of why she brought the tube and lube. As I was about to ask her why she brought the tube and lube, she tells me "whip it out". "Uhh WHAT? Whip what out? My wallet? Sorry, I can't hold a wallet with this crappy gown with no pockets.". She replies with no emotion and a smirk on her face, "No. Whip IT out.".I could kill her right now and no one would see a reason to convict me of any charges. How unprofessional. How heartless. If she was 300 pounds lighter and pretty I would be turned on by her attitude and disrespect. Such a nonchalant jerk. It reminded me of someone very close to me in my life. Myself.
So I "whip it out". She grabs the lube and smothers the tube with it. She then grabs "it" and begins to jam this tube that felt a quarter mile wide down my urethra. Oh man. This was some pain. This as my second time having a catheter placed within me but this time I was awake for the experience. It felt was if a marathon of American Gladiators went by as she forced this telephone pole in the eye of a needle. I hate her.
It was over. But I had this discomfort now. I didn't feel the pains in my leg muscles anymore now all I felt was this urge to poop. I ask the Penis Punisher nurse to bring me a poop chair. Throughout the day I kept having to sit on it because I had this constant urge to poop but nothing would ever come out.. My mom and dad came by and I had to sit on the chair to poop in front of them. My best of friends came by and I sat to poop in front of him. Female friends came by and they witnessed me sitting on the throne. They all have seen worse sides of me. They are my friends after all.
Finally I am in my room. I felt nasty so I went and showered because I was in ICU for like 3 days with no shower. The nurse came in and yelled at me for showering...I need to bathe myself with a sponge they say. Screw that. You bathe me with a sponge. Let me inform you that this nurse wasn't the Penis Punisher. It was a cute nurse that I went to school with. Long story short I still used the showers to shower just without their knowledge.
Man, it was boring there. Even with my Nintendo DS and friends coming from time to time to visit as well as family. Every time people would come I would show them the tubing going into my member. It was a great conversation piece and every time the conversations would stop, I would end the silence with "whipping it out". Laughter would commence.
Now that I think back it was a little weird of me because someone came with my friends that I never even seen before and I showed my friends the tube and he didn't get to see it and was a little too curious to see it. I'm glad I never saw him again. But I can just imagine him going through his day and someone asking him "Hey. What did you do today". "I saw Mingi's catheter. Thanks for asking".
One time I was showering with one hand hold the pee bag that the tube was connected to and my other hand washing myself. This time I had permission to shower! I completed the task. I felt clean. Great. I step out of the shower. WAM! I performed a split that a gymnast would have been jealous of. Remind you. I can't do a split. I laid there in pain with my hand still grasping the pee bag firmly. I check to see if the bag was punctured and that the wetness I was laying in was only water from my body. Praise Him. It was only water. Pee bag intact. Now the trick was trying to get up. I needed both hands to get up due to my legs still lacking mobility. I'm sort of up but I am being stretched down to the ground due to the pee bag and it's quite uncomfortable. Weeks later, I found out that I have a torn hamstring from that split.
Finally, the day came. My kidneys are fine. They never failed. I never needed dialysis. Awesome. Doctor said "We will be having a nurse come and get that catheter". Aww shucks. I was starting to grow attached to the thing. But then I remembered that the time I had a catheter before ended with pain from having a friction burn inside my urethra. The nurse that pulled it out of me pulled it with such velocity that if she was in the MLB she would possibly be throwing 95 MPH fastballs.
Quick! How do I avoid that friction burn that caused urinating to be as painful as releasing acid? I pull it out myself. Now I'm tugging. I'm pulling. Every thing is going fine. I then hit a speed bump at about 6 inches. Should I go on or wait for a nurse? I could possibly break something. Bah. I'm going. I don't want acid pee sensations this time. I'm pulling and using more force and it's not going anywhere. I then brace myself and yank. All I hear is a SNAP!. I kept my eyes closed for a second and said a quick prayer. I open my eyes. Awesome. My member is still attached. Thanks, Lord, for answering that prayer so quickly. I seen a ball the size of a golf ball at the end of the tube. WOW! That thing was anchoring the tube inside of my bladder and it just traveled through me.
I thought all was well. I thought I out tricked the nurses. AHAHAHAHA Who needs 8 years of schooling to pull out a tube....OH CRAP. WHAT DID I DO NOW? There is blood coming out of my penis! Uh Uh Uh. I pull my gown up like a dress and run to the bathroom. The bathroom door was right outside of the door that leads to the hallways. The cute nurse that I asked to sponge bathe me sees me limping quickly with my penis leaking out blood. She says "what did you do?". I reply with "I whipped it out.". She calls for back up. I'm in the shower washing the blood off and laying hands on my member and praying. I thought that was it. I thought my time as a functioning male was over. If I could have given it mouth to mouth, I would have. I was ready to call for the defibrillator machine to shock it back to life.
After some coaxing from the doctors I came out of the bathroom and they reassured me that I would be fine. They were right. I was fine. I would pee some blood for a few days afterwards but I was fine.
My last day there was hectic. It ended with my friend stopping by when they were releasing me. She helped me limp out of the hospital and gave me a ride home as I told her of my exploits at the hospital.
My life is never boring