You might be a Ricer if.....

[The Nicker]

You Might Be A Racer If...

- You think the primary purpose of wings is to PREVENT flight.

- You feel compelled on a road trip to beat your previous best time.

- You are happiest when your street car's tires are worn to racing depth and the
wear bars are showing.

- When something falls off of your car, you wonder how much weight you just
saved.

- You change engine oil every other week.

- You sometimes hear little noises from your passengers when you get on the
throttle right after turning in.

- You thoroughly enjoy showing the tailgater behind how to drive around a
highway off-ramp.

- You walk proper lines through the grocery store.

- You bought a race car before buying a house.

- You bought a race car before buying furniture for the new house.

- You're looking for a tow vehicle and still haven't bought furniture!

- The requirements you give your real estate agent are (in order of importance):

1) 8 car climate controlled garage with an attached shop.
2) Outside parking for 6 cars, a motorhome, a crew cab dualie, a 28'enclosed
trailer and a 34' 5th wheel.
3) 3 phase 220V outlets in the garage for your welder.
4) A grease pit.
5) Convenient to a hazardous waste disposal site.
6) Deaf neighbors.
7) Across the street from a paint and body shop.
Some sort of house with a working toilet and shower on the property somewhere
-or- hookups for the motorhome.

- You sit in your race car in a dark garage and make car noises and shift and
practice your heel and toe, while waiting for your motor to get back from the
machine shop.

- You look at the purchase of tools as a long term investment.

- Your garage holds more cars than your house has bedrooms.

- More than one racer supply house recognizes your voice and greets you by name
when you call.

- You have car parts in your cubicle at work.

- You think the last line of the Star Spangled Banner is: "Racers, start your
engines!"

- You're registered for wedding gifts at Pegasus and Racer Wholesale.

- Your Christmas list begins with another set of BFG R1s and Pauter rods and
your 'significant other' knows what they are.

- You have a separate drawer for 'garage clothes'.

- Your reading material in your bathroom consists of auto parts and racing
supply catalogs, several books written by famous drivers, every book Carroll
Smith has ever written.... and 400 car magazines, none of which have
centerfolds.

- People know you by your class letter, car number, and car color.

- You talk to other cars on the road, calling them by the manufacturer's name.

- Your friends don't recognize you without a helmet and driver's suit.

- You plan your wedding around the race schedule.

- You astound the clerk at Sears by bringing in a snapped breaker bar every
other week or so.

- You complain when cars in front of you on highway off-ramps don't stay on the
line, causing your exit speed to drop.

- A neighbor asks if you have any oil, to which you query, "Synthetic or
organic?" and they reply, "Vegetable or corn."

- You give out Summit Racing's number when a friend asks for the best hardware
store.

- You refer to the corner down the street from your house as "Turn One."

- You look at the fire hydrant at that corner and see an apex marker.

- You enjoy driving in the rain on the way to work or school.

- You always late apex the intersection and try to pass a few cars coming out.

- Everywhere you go, you try to find the fastest line through the turn.

- You always do a toe & heel downshift while whoever might be your passenger
gives you a real funny look.

- You can't stand anyone telling others how to drive. Of course, you are the
best.

- You can't stand understeer.

- You always want to change something in your street car to make it handle
better.

- You will gladly pay up to $8 for a quart of engine oil.

- You think that traction control and ABS are for those who can't drive.

- You save broken car parts as " momentos".

- Your last several freeway forays included just brushing the curbs as you
apexed the on-ramps perfectly....

- You've found your lawnmower runs pretty good on 108 octane gas (but doesn't
particularly care for alcohol).

- The local tire shop won't honor the tread life warranty on any car you have
been within 50 yards of...

- The local police and state Highway Patrol have a picture of your car taped to
their dashboard.

- You spend more time polishing your exhaust tip every day than you do bathing.

- Instead of pictures in your wallet, you have timeslips.

- You consider the redline a "conservative suggestion" and the rev limiter "a
fun limiter"

- You spend more on insurance premiums than on food.

- Your idea of a good time is sitting around figuring out gear ratios and the
ideal final drive ratio for given situations.

- When someone refers to "The Good Book", you think of "The Auto Math Handbook"

- When someone asks where you went to school, you reply, "Skip Barber".

- You have racing shops programmed on on your speed dialer.

- You own five cars and only one of them is street legal.

- You've embarrassed your significant other at least once by insisting on
wearing your full face helmet while driving.

- You know the "racing line" of every turn in your daily commute, including your
alternate routes, and practice hitting them every day.

- You quote your street tire wear life in weeks rather than miles.

- You regularly live test your rev limiter on that straight that's a little too
long for 2nd but not worth going into 3rd for.

- You've started looking for sponsors for your daily commute.

- You've slalomed in a construction zone, and counted your penalty time in the
rearview afterwards.

[Milu]

You know you're a Porsche nut when……


You buy parts for an RS conversion when you don't have a suitable base car and you're not even looking for one

You name your first born child "Oscar"

Porsche dealers call you for help troubleshooting obscure problems

You can navigate around Europe and the USA using the locations of Porsche tuners as reference points

You have half-broken parts in your house that you refuse to throw away in the hope that you can someday fix them.

You spend time looking at performance products trying to devise methods for improvement

You advise your girlfriend when forced to take her shopping for clothes by picking the ones in colours that coordinate well with your car's paint and interior

You invariably use the numbers 9 and 11 on combination locks and when picking lottery numbers

You actually buy, read and enjoy Porsche technical books/ parts manuals.

You would like to see Zimmerman's "The used 911 story" made into a feature film.

You speculate on what the spaceships in starwars would be like if they had been built by Porsche.

Your girlfriend thinks Mobil 1 is your favourite aftershave

You feel nauseous when you see a dented or damaged Porsche

You believe adjusting the valves is a zen experience

You would like to see monthly updates to Bruce Andersons 911 Performance handbook.

You can calculate power to weight ratios in your head but can't balance your chequebook

You not only know what a short shift conversion is, but you designed one once, for fun.

Washing and polishing the 911 is part of your personal daily hygiene routine

You spend more on upgrades than buying your car

You have trouble grasping the concept that anyone might want a different car to a 911 by choice

You spend more time and money on your leather interior than your girlfriend does on make-up.

You believe a DME relay should be included on the Swiss army knife

You have a garage copy and a home copy of the Bentley manual

You are convinced the lack of pendulum effect on your wife's BMW is a major design flaw

You have complete sets of 911 World and Excellence in binders on your bedside table

You hired your secretary because she turned up for the interview in a 911E

You park at the empty, far end of the supermarket carpark regardless of what you're driving

You change your engine oil more often than your wife goes to the hairdresser.

If you see a prettygirl driving a 911 you will notice if the car's valves need adjusting before you notice her

You know what your tyre pressure is from the way the car is handling

You really do understand how 911 heating and ventilation works

You pick Xmas presents exclusively from Pelican Parts

You write stuff like this instead of e-mailing Xmas greetings to friends and clients.

You have more than one drawer in your tool chest dedicated to porsche specific tools....

Your wife can identify an '73 RS as a clone because it has the telltale passenger side oil filler door...

You have problem finding places to store all the extra parts you've acquired that don't fit any cars you own because they were a "good deal"....

You get bored and put skulls, flames, fuchs replicas and a Porsche crest on your floor jack.

Your living room artwork consists of a Kills Bugs Fast poster.

You spouse goes to yard sales only to try to find a copy of Excellence Was Expected for you...(but she wants to read it too).

You go to the local hardware outlet and load 15 cinderblock pavers into the trunk and somebody asks you "won't that afect the handling"?

You have a tag on your license plate that reads, "TVRs for breakfast, Ferraris for Lunch", and no one laughs because you really mean it

You believe cupholders are a clever solution to a non-existent problem

You don't have a "my other car is also a Porsche" bumper sticker because it would be stating the obvious

You keep worn components like torsion bars and tie rods because you are going to make them into an attractive and useful base for a coffee table. One day

When some one says Cayenne, you reply, if I wanted an SUV I'd get a Carrera 4

You can adjust your own valves, set mixture and replace a torsion bar bushing but you can't program a video recorder

You believe the tv series and sequel to 101 projects are overdue

You mean it when you say, the 996 is ok but I'd rather have a 911.

Your girlfriend and her mother start recognising 911 variants

A big lottery win is more likely to result in mega upgrades to your present Porsche than buying a new one

You believe that the best Porsches are in a constant state of improvement

Your neighbours are convinced you earn a living restoring old Porsches

You hired your secretary because she turned up for the interview in a 911E

You are convinced 911 seats help your back problem

The sequence 1-6-2-4-3-5 has meaning

Your girlfriend knows what DME relays, cylinder head temperature sensors and shift coupler bushings are

You secretly believe that a concours is a car washing competition, however, under the mud your paint has seen more carnauba than any three Pebble Beach or Bagatelle competitors

You look forward to family get togethers because of the drive there and back

You like immaculate paintwork but you think that stonechips on a Porsche show it's loved and used

You like subtle and understated interiors but Porsche tartans and Pasha trim are ok

Your girlfriend has given up complaining about you stopping to look at every parked 911 when walking together

You believe the magbra is one of the great ideas of the 20th century

you want SC wings for Xmas
* you talk about limited slip difs, turbo tie rods and short shift conversions with a mechanic without feeling intimidated
* weight loss is about car performance
* you check the specs of earlier motorsport and later year models for upgrade ideas
* a 911 in a film makes it more interesting and when on a magazine cover you almost always buy the magazine

When you bought a spare engine just to have a "spare", and put it in the basement.

When your wife doesn't like the four wheel drift in the shopping cart at the grocery store.

When you must drive around just to burn off the condensation for the ol tank.

When you'll drive a 30 year old car around in the snow with no heat!

You automatically try to put the key in the left side without thinking, even when driving someone elses car.

You double clutch downshifts....in your pickup truck.

"losing weight" has nothing to do with exercise.

Your driveway is affectionately referred to as " the paddock"

The oldest car you own occupies your 1 car garage.

You think any wheel that isn't forged is CRAP.

[Pumpkin]

When I first saw the title I thought this was going to be something about an oriental person :

[Guillermo]

I thought about this post because I look at my tachometer 75% of the time and not my speed.

[MeEatsPlaydoh]

wow that was long. most of the jokes are dumb.

[The Nicker]

I like most of them, although I spend about half of my time making fun of "ricers".

[Hawaiian-Stylan]

I gotta get a pic of my friend's vinyls.

[Hawaiian-Stylan]

He finally put them up


So shame to ride in this car...:





http://www.cardomain.com/id/boosted_240

[Mr.LaBella]

for Lord Kaxter!

[Stabber]

great post!!

[SZiehr]

Why do the little honda tuner idiots or whatever the hell they are called actually believe that a spoiler on the rear of a front wheel drive car helps with their traction?

[Cadi Con Carne]

I need to print the ricer list up and put it under some windshield wipers at my school. GEEZUS.

I always say that if the car has a melon-shooter exhaust by Maxwell House problem going on, or if it sounds like a pissed off bumblebee in a 50 gallon drum, I ain't touching it.

[mack1]

I need to print the ricer list up and put it under some windshield wipers at my school. GEEZUS.

I always say that if the car has a melon-shooter exhaust by Maxwell House problem going on, or if it sounds like a pissed off bumblebee in a 50 gallon drum, I ain't touching it.