Cucumbers Cause Genital Baldness
Monsanto Cucumbers Cause Genital Baldness -- Immediately Banned in Nova Scotia
A six-month study by AgriSearch, an on-campus research arm of
Dalhousie University, has shown that genetically modified (GM) cucumbers
grown under license to Monsanto Inc. result in serious side effects
including total groin hair loss and chafing in "sensitive areas",
leading to the immediate and total ban of sales of all that company's
crop and subsequent dill pickles.
The tracking study of 643 men and women in Nova Scotia came about
after reports began to surface about bald field mice and the bald feral
cats that ate them being discovered by farmers on acreages growing the
"The bald wild animals raised a huge flag and we immediately obtained
subpoenas for the medical records of all 600 plus adults who took part
in focus groups and taste tests of the cucumbers by Monsanto in Canada,"
said Dr. Nancy Walker, Director of Public Health Research at Dalhousie.
"Fully 3/4 of the people who ate these cukes had their crotch area
hair fall out. This is not a joking matter at all...these people now
have hairless heinies."
Nova Scotia became the first province or state in North America to
ban a Monsanto GM food product, although GM corn and other food crops
are currently outlawed in Ireland, Japan, New Zealand, Germany, Austria,
Switzerland, Greece and Hungary. Governments in Australia, Spain, UK,
France, Turkey, India and Mexico have public petitions or legislative
bills under consideration. Californians recently voted down a bill that
would have required all GM foods to be clearly labeled. Monsanto
cucumbers have been ordered removed from all food stores in Nova Scotia,
while Quebec stores have begun a voluntary removal, partially because
the UPC code stickers contain some English.
"I pulled down my boxer shorts to get ready for bed one night and
there it was...a pile of hair that looked like a chihuahua puppy," said
Eric LaMaze, who was paid $50 by Monsanto to compare the tastes of
natural cucumbers to Monsanto GM cucumbers in March of this year in
Halifax. "Then I saw my bits and whoa they were like all shiny skin.
Mr. LaMaze and other taste test participants said the GM cucumbers
tasted the same as the naturally grown cucumbers but made a slight
"fizzing noise" when swallowed. The participants also complained of raw
skin in their genital area and some bed wetting.
Monsanto Inc., a self-described Sustainable Agriculture Company based
in Creve Coeur, Missouri, where they share offices with major
shareholder Bain Capital, issued a statement saying, "Next generation
fruits and vegetables, including VO5 cucumbers, are safe for human
consumption with some potential minor side effects. Some fine-tuning is
McDonald's Corp. issued a statement following the Nova Scotia ban
announcing that they will replace dill and sweet cucumber pickles on
their burgers with non-GM pickled zucchini as a precaution until it is
proven that no Monsanto pickles were sold into the North American
market. McDonald's website contains a bulletin to that effect and
includes a revised hip-hop Big Mac jingle that now sings, "Two all-beef
patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickled zuke, onions on a
sesame seed bun."
Federal Minister of Health Leona Aglukkaq said a Canada-wide recall
and ban will be issued within 24 hours. "The Government of Canada takes
this very, very seriously," said the Minister. "Being hairless down
there should be a matter of personal choice for Canadian men and women
and not one taken away by a cucumber."
"They used to have the real cucumber slices in those salad things at
the City Hall Dining Club," sighed Former Toronto Mayor Rob Ford on the
courthouse steps after being impeached by a Provincial Judge. "Those
were good times..