Stu
04-25-2009, 07:54 AM
Having a sort out through some old books & papers, I found a sppof magazine article about Business Meetings & Ive copied it here.
Hope you find it a funny as I did.
QUICK & EASY WAYS TO LIVEN UP BUSINESS MEETINGS
General Conduct
• Inflate your chest during the course of the meeting with a hand-pump operated airbag under your shirt.
• Discreetly clasp hold of someone’s hand & whisper: ”Can you feel it?” from the corner of your mouth.
• Have a secretary bring your personal telephone in on a silver platter at regular junctures. Indicate that you’re in conversation with the Ambassador.
• Draw enormous genitalia on your notepad & discreetly show it to the person next to you for their approval.
• When refreshments are presented, immediately distribute one biscuit to each of the people around the table. Then systematically smash each one with your fist in front of them.
• Wear a hands-free phone headset throughout. Once in a while, drift off into an unrelated conversation, such as: “I don’t care if there are no dwarfs, just get the show done!”
• Write the words “He fancies you” on your notepad & draw a big arrow directed at the person next to you. Then flash it a male colleague sitting opposite.
• Inhale deeply from an oxygen mask from time to time.
• Respond to a serious question from a male colleague by clasping your face & saying “I don’t know what to say. Obviously I’m flattered but it’s all happening so fast….”
• Use ‘Nam style, militaristic jargon as regularly as possible. Such as “What’s the ETA?” “Who’s on recon?” and “Charlie don’t surf”
• Wear a bulletproof vest.
Preparation
• Shave one of your forearms.
• Establish where a rival is sitting & surround his place with “Hello Kitty” stationery & lucky gonks.
• Have the name of your firm fake-tattooed onto your neck.
• Mock up large latex scars across the palms of your hands.
• Wheel in an enormous (ideally bejewelled!) throne to sit on.
• Draw a chalk circle around one chair then avoid sitting on it when the meeting starts. When someone sits on it, cover your mouth & gasp.
Entering the Combat Zone
• Slam the door behind you nervously. Proceed to run your fingers along every picture frame & under every plant as though checking for listening devices.
• Turn your back to the rest of the room & sit facing the window with your legs stretched apart. Announce that you “love this dirty town”.
• Let an Emergency flare off in your clenched fist & murmur: “I’m going to teach you all the meaning of loss”.
• Mount the desk & walk the length of it before taking your seat.
• Have one half of a pair of handcuffs dangling from your wrist.
• As you sit down, empty your pockets of a cosh, throwing star & a handgun, placing them casually on the table in front of you without saying a word .
While Colleagues are Talking
• Reflect sunlight into everyone’s eyes off your watchface.
• Sip at a large Scotch on the rocks.
• Repeat every idea they express in a baby-voice two minutes later while moving your hand like a chattering mouth.
• Gradually push your way closer & closer to the door on your chair.
• Hum throughout.
• Leave the room then return 45 minutes later with two bags of Supermarket shopping.
• Pull out a large roll of banknotes & count them demonstratively.
• Employ a female assistant to sit behind you taking notes. When any male colleague attempts to make a point, have her let her hair down, remove her glasses & suck on a lollipop.
• Bend momentarily under the table then reappear wearing contact lenses that white out your eyes.
Giving your Presentation
• Heavily underlight yourself & play a blast of gospel chorus as you stand up.
• Drop meaningless & confusing management speak into conversations, such as “What’s the margin, Marvin?”, “When’s this turkey going to get basted?” and “If we don’t get this brook babbling we’re all going to end up looking like doe-eyed Labradors!”
• Produce a hamster from your pocket & suggest throwing it to one another as a means of idea-exchange.
• Display irrelevant equations on a flip-chart that refer to colleagues. For example: ME + ME = SAVIOUR, JOHN FROM SALES = BIG GIRL
• Use a large hunting knife to point at your visual aids.
• Announce that you’ve run off some copies of the meeting agenda. Then hand out pieces of paper that read “MY SECRET AGENDA: 1 Trample the weak; 2 Triumph alone; 3 Invade Poland.” Re-collect them sheepishly & ask everyone to pretend they hadn’t seen them.
• Attempt to hypnotise the whole room with a pocket watch.
• If asked a tough question, litter your answer with invented, baffling words, eg “I’m glad you asked me that idvarian question, but it would be formunkable for me to answer, don’t you think?”
• When referring to someone in the room, always call them your ‘homey’ or ‘dog’.
• Start dealing tarot cards to people. Don’t explain why, but suck air & look concerned as each one is dealt.
• Leave long pauses in your speech at random moments. When someone is prompted to interject. Shout: “I’M NOT FINISHED!” at them.
Hope you find it a funny as I did.
QUICK & EASY WAYS TO LIVEN UP BUSINESS MEETINGS
General Conduct
• Inflate your chest during the course of the meeting with a hand-pump operated airbag under your shirt.
• Discreetly clasp hold of someone’s hand & whisper: ”Can you feel it?” from the corner of your mouth.
• Have a secretary bring your personal telephone in on a silver platter at regular junctures. Indicate that you’re in conversation with the Ambassador.
• Draw enormous genitalia on your notepad & discreetly show it to the person next to you for their approval.
• When refreshments are presented, immediately distribute one biscuit to each of the people around the table. Then systematically smash each one with your fist in front of them.
• Wear a hands-free phone headset throughout. Once in a while, drift off into an unrelated conversation, such as: “I don’t care if there are no dwarfs, just get the show done!”
• Write the words “He fancies you” on your notepad & draw a big arrow directed at the person next to you. Then flash it a male colleague sitting opposite.
• Inhale deeply from an oxygen mask from time to time.
• Respond to a serious question from a male colleague by clasping your face & saying “I don’t know what to say. Obviously I’m flattered but it’s all happening so fast….”
• Use ‘Nam style, militaristic jargon as regularly as possible. Such as “What’s the ETA?” “Who’s on recon?” and “Charlie don’t surf”
• Wear a bulletproof vest.
Preparation
• Shave one of your forearms.
• Establish where a rival is sitting & surround his place with “Hello Kitty” stationery & lucky gonks.
• Have the name of your firm fake-tattooed onto your neck.
• Mock up large latex scars across the palms of your hands.
• Wheel in an enormous (ideally bejewelled!) throne to sit on.
• Draw a chalk circle around one chair then avoid sitting on it when the meeting starts. When someone sits on it, cover your mouth & gasp.
Entering the Combat Zone
• Slam the door behind you nervously. Proceed to run your fingers along every picture frame & under every plant as though checking for listening devices.
• Turn your back to the rest of the room & sit facing the window with your legs stretched apart. Announce that you “love this dirty town”.
• Let an Emergency flare off in your clenched fist & murmur: “I’m going to teach you all the meaning of loss”.
• Mount the desk & walk the length of it before taking your seat.
• Have one half of a pair of handcuffs dangling from your wrist.
• As you sit down, empty your pockets of a cosh, throwing star & a handgun, placing them casually on the table in front of you without saying a word .
While Colleagues are Talking
• Reflect sunlight into everyone’s eyes off your watchface.
• Sip at a large Scotch on the rocks.
• Repeat every idea they express in a baby-voice two minutes later while moving your hand like a chattering mouth.
• Gradually push your way closer & closer to the door on your chair.
• Hum throughout.
• Leave the room then return 45 minutes later with two bags of Supermarket shopping.
• Pull out a large roll of banknotes & count them demonstratively.
• Employ a female assistant to sit behind you taking notes. When any male colleague attempts to make a point, have her let her hair down, remove her glasses & suck on a lollipop.
• Bend momentarily under the table then reappear wearing contact lenses that white out your eyes.
Giving your Presentation
• Heavily underlight yourself & play a blast of gospel chorus as you stand up.
• Drop meaningless & confusing management speak into conversations, such as “What’s the margin, Marvin?”, “When’s this turkey going to get basted?” and “If we don’t get this brook babbling we’re all going to end up looking like doe-eyed Labradors!”
• Produce a hamster from your pocket & suggest throwing it to one another as a means of idea-exchange.
• Display irrelevant equations on a flip-chart that refer to colleagues. For example: ME + ME = SAVIOUR, JOHN FROM SALES = BIG GIRL
• Use a large hunting knife to point at your visual aids.
• Announce that you’ve run off some copies of the meeting agenda. Then hand out pieces of paper that read “MY SECRET AGENDA: 1 Trample the weak; 2 Triumph alone; 3 Invade Poland.” Re-collect them sheepishly & ask everyone to pretend they hadn’t seen them.
• Attempt to hypnotise the whole room with a pocket watch.
• If asked a tough question, litter your answer with invented, baffling words, eg “I’m glad you asked me that idvarian question, but it would be formunkable for me to answer, don’t you think?”
• When referring to someone in the room, always call them your ‘homey’ or ‘dog’.
• Start dealing tarot cards to people. Don’t explain why, but suck air & look concerned as each one is dealt.
• Leave long pauses in your speech at random moments. When someone is prompted to interject. Shout: “I’M NOT FINISHED!” at them.