JIMMY_MAC
01-31-2007, 04:42 PM
The Art of Taking A Pee
(Written to a woman who accidently walked into a men's restroom...)
Please don't feel bad, lady. It wasn't you entering the men's washroom that
caused that guy to pee on the guy next to him. Hell, we do that all the
time. It's rare for us guys to ever hit what were aiming for. Sometimes I go
into the washroom, start to pee, and then just start spinning around; just
so I'll make sure I hit something.
You see, something you ladies should understand by now is that men's
penises have a mind of their own. A guy can go into a bathroom stall because
all the urinals are being used, take perfect aim at the toilet, and his
penis will still manage to piss all over the roll of toilet paper, down his
left pant leg, and onto his shoe. I'm telling 'ya those little buggers can't
be trusted.
After being married 28 years my wife has me trained. I'm no longer allowed
to pee like a man - standing up. I am required to sit down and pee. She has
convinced me that this is a small price to pay. Otherwise if she had gone to
the toilet one more time at night and either sat on a pee soaked toilet
seat, or fell right into the toilet because I forgot to put the seat down,
she was going to kill me in my sleep.
Now another thing us guys don't usually like to talk about, but because you
and I have become such good friends and you think I'm a classy guy, I might
as well be candid with you because it's a real problem, and you ladies need
to be understanding. It's the dreaded "morning wood".
Most mornings us guys wake up with two things. A tremendous desire to pee,
and a penis so hard you could cut diamonds with it. Well, no matter how hard
you try, you can't get that thing to bend, and if it don't bend you can't
aim, well hell, if you can't aim you have no choice but to piss all over the
wallpaper and that damn fuzzy toilet seat cover you women insist on putting
on the toilet.
And by the way, when you use those damn fuzzy toilet seat covers, the
friggin' toilet seat won't stay up by itself. So that means we have to use
one hand to hold up the toilet seat and the other hand to try to control
ourselves for that perfect aim.
Now sometimes, when you're newly married, (and I know the guys in here will
back me up on this) you think you can get the toilet seat with that damn
fuzzy thing to stay up. You jam it back and compress that fuzzy thing until
the seat stays there. OK, so you start to pee, but then that compressed
fuzzy starts to decompress and without warning that damn toilet seat comes
flying down and tries to whack off your weenie.
So us guys will not lift a toilet seat with a fuzzy, it's just not safe. I
tried to delicately explain this morning situation to my wife. I told her...
look, it won't bend. She said, "sit down like I told you to do all the rest
of the time." OK. I tried sitting down on the toilet with "morning wood".
Well it's is very hard to get it bent under the toilet seat, and before I
could manage it, I had pissed all over the bath towels hanging on the wall
across the room. Now, even if you are sitting down and you can get it forced
down under the toilet seat, when you start to pee the pee shoots out from
the crack between the bottom of the toilet seat and the top of the bowl. You
piss all over the back of your knees and it runs down the back of our legs
on to that damn matching fuzzy horseshoe rug you keep putting on the floor
in front of the toilet.
I have found the only effective maneuver to deal with this morning urinary
dilemma is to assume the flying superman position laying over the toilet
seat.
This takes a great deal of practice, perfect balance, and split time
precision but it's the only sure way to get all the pee in the bowl during
the first morning pee.
So you ladies have to understand that us men are not totally to blame. We
are sensitive to your concerns about hygiene and bathroom cleanliness, but
there are times when things just get beyond our control.
It's not our fault, it's just Mother Nature.
Now, if it was Father Nature,... there wouldn't have been a problem!
Jimbo
(Written to a woman who accidently walked into a men's restroom...)
Please don't feel bad, lady. It wasn't you entering the men's washroom that
caused that guy to pee on the guy next to him. Hell, we do that all the
time. It's rare for us guys to ever hit what were aiming for. Sometimes I go
into the washroom, start to pee, and then just start spinning around; just
so I'll make sure I hit something.
You see, something you ladies should understand by now is that men's
penises have a mind of their own. A guy can go into a bathroom stall because
all the urinals are being used, take perfect aim at the toilet, and his
penis will still manage to piss all over the roll of toilet paper, down his
left pant leg, and onto his shoe. I'm telling 'ya those little buggers can't
be trusted.
After being married 28 years my wife has me trained. I'm no longer allowed
to pee like a man - standing up. I am required to sit down and pee. She has
convinced me that this is a small price to pay. Otherwise if she had gone to
the toilet one more time at night and either sat on a pee soaked toilet
seat, or fell right into the toilet because I forgot to put the seat down,
she was going to kill me in my sleep.
Now another thing us guys don't usually like to talk about, but because you
and I have become such good friends and you think I'm a classy guy, I might
as well be candid with you because it's a real problem, and you ladies need
to be understanding. It's the dreaded "morning wood".
Most mornings us guys wake up with two things. A tremendous desire to pee,
and a penis so hard you could cut diamonds with it. Well, no matter how hard
you try, you can't get that thing to bend, and if it don't bend you can't
aim, well hell, if you can't aim you have no choice but to piss all over the
wallpaper and that damn fuzzy toilet seat cover you women insist on putting
on the toilet.
And by the way, when you use those damn fuzzy toilet seat covers, the
friggin' toilet seat won't stay up by itself. So that means we have to use
one hand to hold up the toilet seat and the other hand to try to control
ourselves for that perfect aim.
Now sometimes, when you're newly married, (and I know the guys in here will
back me up on this) you think you can get the toilet seat with that damn
fuzzy thing to stay up. You jam it back and compress that fuzzy thing until
the seat stays there. OK, so you start to pee, but then that compressed
fuzzy starts to decompress and without warning that damn toilet seat comes
flying down and tries to whack off your weenie.
So us guys will not lift a toilet seat with a fuzzy, it's just not safe. I
tried to delicately explain this morning situation to my wife. I told her...
look, it won't bend. She said, "sit down like I told you to do all the rest
of the time." OK. I tried sitting down on the toilet with "morning wood".
Well it's is very hard to get it bent under the toilet seat, and before I
could manage it, I had pissed all over the bath towels hanging on the wall
across the room. Now, even if you are sitting down and you can get it forced
down under the toilet seat, when you start to pee the pee shoots out from
the crack between the bottom of the toilet seat and the top of the bowl. You
piss all over the back of your knees and it runs down the back of our legs
on to that damn matching fuzzy horseshoe rug you keep putting on the floor
in front of the toilet.
I have found the only effective maneuver to deal with this morning urinary
dilemma is to assume the flying superman position laying over the toilet
seat.
This takes a great deal of practice, perfect balance, and split time
precision but it's the only sure way to get all the pee in the bowl during
the first morning pee.
So you ladies have to understand that us men are not totally to blame. We
are sensitive to your concerns about hygiene and bathroom cleanliness, but
there are times when things just get beyond our control.
It's not our fault, it's just Mother Nature.
Now, if it was Father Nature,... there wouldn't have been a problem!
Jimbo